Celebrity workouts aren’t what they used to be. Now it’s all soap stars and ex-pop singers doing some sort of watered-down choreographed dance sequence that burns about nineteen calories an hour. It’s not like the old days. A time where workout videos were the foundation of fitness. An age where the creme de la creme of Hollywood trained you via your TV wearing the kind of fantastical garb you’d expect to find on an acid trip.
Marky Mark – Form. Focus. Fitness.
Few things in life could be more satisfying than watching Marky Mark tenuously perform exercises whilst simultaneously flirting with models. Watch in awe as he stares into the eyes of his co-stars; inappropriate comments engulfing the room as the “fly honeyz” grind and squat their way to fitness.
Dolph Lundgren – Maximum Potential
As fitness instructors go Dolph Lundgren is actual one hell of an impressive guy. The exercises and explanations given throughout the video are pretty much spot on. He’s a man who clearly knows how to train. If it wasn’t for the frequent, heavily oiled shots of Dolph staring longingly into the distance, this would actually be a legitimate workout. But yeah, it kind of cheapens the authority a bit. Oiled torsos normally do.
Richard Simmons – Sweat and Shout
You know those times you’ve been to a wedding and one of the uncles get’s a bit drunk? The kind of uncle nobody’s seen for fifteen years because he moved abroad to get away from the stress of his high paid banking job in the city. At the start of the night you’re having a nice chat to him about house prices. You nip out to the toilet. Five minutes later you return to find this…
Jake Steinfeld – Body By Jake
It’s as if Jake has been shown how to do the exercises but got distracted a few seconds in by an ice cream van or something. “Did you get that Jake?” “Yeah, yeah. I got it.” What ensues is a series of random movements loosely based on an exercise Jake has, at best, seen in his peripheral vision.
Tony Little – Abs Only Workout
Remember that ab roller thing your mum probably got bought for Christmas in 1995? Well Tony absolutely loves that thing. Like seriously, you’ve never seen anyone as happy as this man and a £19.99 piece of rotating aluminium. It’s not even like he’s even got a workout planned, he’s just sitting up and down, for ages, listening to the Kenny G single he presumably got given at the same time.
Fabio – Fabio Fitness
Ah Fabio. That hair. That winning smile. That vest. Those Reebok Blacktops. Few things could encapsulate the 80s celebrity fitness scene as much as this guy. There’s humour, there’s exercise, there’s awkward topless rooftop cut scenes, there’s cycling shorts. It’s pretty much perfect. Much like Fabio.
Chuck Norris – Total Gym
Ever wondered how Chuck Norris got so good at fighting? He used a Total Gym for 8 to 10 minutes a day of course. He’s even offering you a two month risk free trial, something he’s even surprised about. He’s also apparently been secretly filming fat people trying to run.